Lisboa December 4, 2011

I think of you often. Too many times to count. I am preparing myself for the long road home, two years away from my brother, almost a full season away from my father and all I think of is you. I am sorry I caused you so much pain and now, I feel all of the same pangs. Coming out to my father was an empty gesture without you by my side. I know you told me how much it hurt you to see her by my side, instead, but it was almost like I needed a shield when I finally told him. To be 37 years old and to wait until then to fully express the fullness of who I was I needed something, however short lived. I missed you then, I miss you still. I wish I could take back everything I said in anger, you were never crazy or irrational I just assumed that because I was so impatient that you did not hold the same feelings for me. And so now in this time, I need you to know that I am setting my expectations to never see or hear from you again despite the fact that I see you every day, either in my dreams, or on the street, or in our favorite haunts (just this week). My heart and my mind are trying to reconcile the loss of you. You were and always will be the love of my life, I cannot believe I abandoned you at our most difficult moment, out of spite, in its most simplest form. If I could tell you one thing right now, it would be only this: I am so so sorry and please know that I will never love anyone the way I loved you. You are are a treasure, a miracle, a blessing underappreciated, and a memory never, ever forgotten.

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