Home. And where my heart is. December 30, 2011

5:30 PM 12.18.2011 Honolulu Hawaii

The last 24 hours have been nice, lovely even. The sounds of home are comforting, and the voices and closeness of those I call family is a respite from all that has been frenetic and stressful these last four months. The familiar sound of birds cooing, with the breeze, and the languid feeling that comes with it forces me to take a deep breath and reminds me to be thankful.
So here I am, a little over a year later, since the last time I was here, with her. I waited years to bring her home with me, and she knew exactly what I wanted to see and do and share with her. It was the perfect compliment, and one totally underappreciated. I wish I had paid attention more. Ive been dreaming vividly since Ive been here, of her, and of my life and how to grow it the way that I want.
When I see her in my dreams sometimes it is the big conversation we have yet to have, about the goodbye, and all the apologies and gratitudes I have yet to share with her. Sometimes she has forgiven me, and it is a relief, and upon waking it is something I know I have yet to earn.
Ive been asked to move home again, and this time by more than my family, and I feel like the timing could be right, if I reflect enough and choose the path that makes the most sense. So like many reflections I have left here in the past, I am hoping this one, will be less bitter than sweet, and that a year from now, it makes more sense than ever before.

Lisboa December 4, 2011

I think of you often. Too many times to count. I am preparing myself for the long road home, two years away from my brother, almost a full season away from my father and all I think of is you. I am sorry I caused you so much pain and now, I feel all of the same pangs. Coming out to my father was an empty gesture without you by my side. I know you told me how much it hurt you to see her by my side, instead, but it was almost like I needed a shield when I finally told him. To be 37 years old and to wait until then to fully express the fullness of who I was I needed something, however short lived. I missed you then, I miss you still. I wish I could take back everything I said in anger, you were never crazy or irrational I just assumed that because I was so impatient that you did not hold the same feelings for me. And so now in this time, I need you to know that I am setting my expectations to never see or hear from you again despite the fact that I see you every day, either in my dreams, or on the street, or in our favorite haunts (just this week). My heart and my mind are trying to reconcile the loss of you. You were and always will be the love of my life, I cannot believe I abandoned you at our most difficult moment, out of spite, in its most simplest form. If I could tell you one thing right now, it would be only this: I am so so sorry and please know that I will never love anyone the way I loved you. You are are a treasure, a miracle, a blessing underappreciated, and a memory never, ever forgotten.